After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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