12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
