i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
