i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
