shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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