I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
