I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
