I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
