He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
