On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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