Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
