Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
