when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
