you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
