Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
sarcasm needs its own font
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
