3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
