Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
