I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
