Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
