Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
