I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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