I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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