i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
