ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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