o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
