i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
