i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You are a genius and a whore.
I had to cum in my sink.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
