so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
