A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So drunk its hurt
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
