So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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