I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
