I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
