he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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