it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
