I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Found the puke drawer
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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