Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
