4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
