is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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