I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
