i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
