You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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