my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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