omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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