I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
