I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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