Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
