home. puking in laundry basket.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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