He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
