omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
