I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
