the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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