Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
