I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jerry, you need to find god
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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