you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
