I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
