I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
