pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
