Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
