I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
